Last week we had some fun with churches that go overboard chasing big crowds in 12 Signs Your Church is Trying Too Hard to Make Its Christmas Eve Service Appealing to Visitors. Just to prove I believe in fairness and equality, this week we’re poking fun at traditional churches with…
12 Signs Your Church’s Christmas Eve Service is Too Traditional
1) Greeters welcome visitors who are in their 50s by saying “Hello there, young whipper-snapper. Want some candy?”
2) Silent Night is still sung in the original German even though nobody speaks German.
3) Vinny and Guido stand in the center isle and make sure anyone who doesn’t sit in the right pew “disappears.”
4) The president of the congregation was recently impeached for suggesting they consider indoor plumbing for the restrooms.
5) The head elder insists that during the reading of the Christmas story the names of all the sheperds be recited. After all he was there and was responsible for the guestbook.
6) After getting away with lip-syncing the same Christmas Eve sermon for 27 years, the senior pastor was busted when the record player started skipping.
7) Nobody is sure which is older, Grandma Ethel or the fruitcakes she gives out as gifts after the service.
8 ) Mrs. Tanunbaum was diagnosed with 90% hearing loss in both ears in 1988, but that hasn’t stopped her from playing the piano at every Christmas Eve service.
9) The Christmas Eve program gets printed every year using a Commodore 64 and a dot-matrix printer.
10) Three years ago the church split over whether the pink candle in the advent wreath is to be lit on the 3rd or 4th Sunday of Advent.
11) Two years ago the church split again after the words to “What child is this?” were changed to “Where ox and mule-like mammal are feeding.”
12) Some members still object to the large number of “horseless carriages” in the parking lot during the service.